What is the root of holding a drudge and why it matters to let go?

The root of grudges is unprocessed childhood wounds. This might be difficult to swallow for a lot of us, since we would like to see ourselves as mature, self-sufficient and independent individuals. And the reality is that we are created by nature to be in relationships. As part of our growth, we have a continuous process of maturation (which actually never ends).

Most situations when we hold grudges are because we feel the person didn't do something they should have, our need structure wasn't met and we feel wronged.

I am very familiar with myself, as I had a long standing grudge towards my mother, father and brother for various reasons. I can share more when we talk.

What I learned through my work on myself with people is that:

1. Anything that isn't healed from our original family we will keep experiencing (through projection) within the consequent relationships in our lives. For instance, if I am still holding a grudge towards my brother, I will keep meeting man, who remind me of my brother (physically, emotionally, and/or energetically) and will keep "falling" into similar situations of betrayal, rejection, abandonment (whatever the original experience is), until I pull the linchpin on the original experience and heal it. So, in a sense, I live in a self-created hell.

2. The situation is never what I thought and felt it was. There is an old saying "It takes two to tango", so when we feel we have been wronged, we actually took it upon ourselves that the wrongdoing was personal and it never is. First, we have actually no idea why the other person did what they did. And second, it wasn't done to us, it was just happening. They did what they did and they said what they said. And there is always more to it. But, we made it personal - it became 'It is about me' and 'It is done to me'.

Let me give you an example. My brother said, "I have 'big thighs" (just like those of a soccer player) and I should look like my mother (who had in his perception thinner/slimmer bones, knees and upper legs), when I was a teenager (and my body was still developing). How I personalize this, I felt, he is right and there is something wrong with me. From there I developed a story that if young men weren't inviting me for dates, it was because "I was fat", and I started wearing long skirts to hide my lower body, I went into a short eating disorder (for 6 months) and then I started compensating by getting a bit rounder... Then I started holding a grudge, because now it was my brother's fault that I didn't get dates, and it was his fault he didn't love me and see me as beautiful, etc... but it was me, who took it inside as truth... Years later, when I told him what he said, he said 'I wanted to help you to improve' and then in a different conversation he also said 'You received everything (love from our father)' ... My intuition had told me long ago that he was jealous, where he felt I was getting love, which he didn't get. So, basically the whole experience boiled down to jealousy and immaturity. (He wanted to put me down and in addition, he did what my father had done to him - trying to improve him). So, none of it was actually personal. But it took me believing and personalizing the experience to make it real, suffer through it and hold a grudge. So, it took two of us to tango together.

3. Further, and probably most important, often the relationship with the mother is at the root of many grudges. For many people the mother wasn't present as much as the child wanted (since she was working as early as 3 months after birth) and we carry an imprint of being 'thrown out there' after being safe, secure and provided everything in the womb. It is not anybody's fault, rather the way we have set up society. Women are required to work. And, often they might be single mothers, stretched to their limits, who have no resources. So, the child is left on its own very early on in a sense to learn and we are so vulnerable when we are infants and toddlers. How this relates is that if we had received the love we needed, we would be whole and stable inside. Thus, we won't take as personally and seriously other people's 'garbage'. This is also something difficult to swallow, as we all wish our mother's provided all for us and would protect them and love them. But understanding they were only humans and they grew up in particular family systems and circumstances with their own human growth and challenges is part of maturation.

There are also movies (and the rare families we can meet) that can give you a glimpse of what I am talking about, the type of love most of us didn't get. So, what I am talking about isn't some kind of fantasy. Further, for that kind of love, both parents and particularly the mother should have done her inner work and inner child healing prior and at least during the pregnancy. Thus, she would be a whole human being (not wounded) when giving birth. And wounding doesn't have to be something heavy and traumatic. A lot of things become wounds... And this is a vast subject.

4. Last, I'd touch briefly, since this is a vast subject on the energy aspect of holding a grudge and why it is difficult to move beyond it. Grudges have multiple emotional aspects in them. They might consist of layers of stagnated emotions, such as anger, rage, grief, fear, sadness, heartache, etc. This is very evident, when one starts diving into the past experience. And we cannot process this through intellectual understanding and talk therapy. To let go of something, we have to fully experience it and then we can release it and learn from it. If we hold it, there are still emotional vestiges there. By holding it, a part of us is still punishing the person who injured us.

I have extensive experience in various tools such as ancient techniques for emotional processing (part of the qigong and meditations systems I teach), tools for communicating authentically, catharsis exercises and many others.

And, I can share that when for instance, a client of mine uses the ancient tools of qigong (in combination with some modern tools), to look into a particular experience of grudge, they can find that the memory inside them still feels very alive (even if the experience took place maybe decades ago). What ultimately keeps it alive is 'personalizing it' (it happened to me) and the emotions, which still hold the memory as a velcro. And once the emotions are fully lived and released through different tools I offer, the experience remains a memory. As a result we have deeper wisdom and understanding of ourselves, the other person, often our family lineage and life.

Written by Milena Dishovska (aka Milena Devi)

Art: Autumn Sky Art

Republished in Medium: https://medium.com/@milenadishovska/what-is-the-root-of-holding-a-drudge-and-why-it-matters-to-let-go-eb1ee27963f