Why don't women talk about it?
- milenadishovska
- Jun 21, 2023
- 3 min read
"Why don't women talk about pain during sex?’
Question No. 1: How much pain is normal during sex?
Pain during sex is not normal. We have come to refer to pain during penetration as the generic term ‘vaginismus’.
Pain could be due to multiple reasons, most often the woman is not ready to be penetrated, but there could be growths in the vagina, so pain must be checked. Often also pain could be hiding past trauma. By contracting, we protect the memory from coming to our awareness. If we relax into how we feel, the trauma might surface.
What you are saying is correct, we as women are conditioned to please and serve by providing our men access to our bodies and this means having sex when we are not interested and ready and/or continue with penetration even beyound our own bodies’ signals (pain).
Question No. 2: If both men and women are trapped in their
individual expectations, who is responsible for creating
positive and interrupting negative sexual experiences?
Both partners are responsible, as both are parr of the script. For women it starts with honesty (saying, ‘I am experiencing pain at the moment’) and self examination, why am I unwilling to share that I have pain (and also share this with their partner, even braver say ‘I realize that I am afraid you might think I am difficult, if I share that I have pain.’) Vulnerability is crucial for openness and trust. And openness and trust create the most important conditions for women to surrender, which will melt the contractions, which cause the pain of vaginismus.
Men also need to be aware and open about the pressure to stay erect. Erections come and go, and if they do not pressure themselves, erections are stronger and stay longer.
The key for both men and women is vulnerability.
Questions No. 3: Do you have any advice for our readers on how
they can communicate their feelings and needs before/during sex
when they believe this might be awkward or trigger a negative
response?
Before sex:
Woman can share, ‘I have pain sometimes if I am not ready. ‘I am scared you might think I am difficult… Would you be willing to slow down, if I do have pain? May be we can breathe together for a few moments’
The man can share the same way ‘This might be surprising to hear, but as a man, I feel a lot of pressure and fear of not performing, if my erection subsides.’ … ‘The erection comes and goes, so it may go up and down during sex, depending how our energy moves… I am also responding to what happens with you and inside you, your emotions and energy’
Woman during sex:
First breathe! Breathing connects us with the body.
Second feel what is going on inside physically and emotionally (for instance fear, anxiety, contraction in solar plexus and/or vagina, stabbing or dull pain in the vagina, chatter in the head…)
Then, ask her partner to slow down. This will also bring the man in the present and make him more aware of how he is moving.
She can share ‘I am feeling pain, can you may be move a bit less, to see if the pain will subside? May be even stay still inside me for a moment?’
This is a start. She can also share she is feeling contraction in belly or anxious what he would think of her.
Man: ‘I feel something is happening, but not sure what. Do you mind if we slow down?… Can I be still for a moment inside you and feel?…
If he is aware and beaver, he can share ‘There is a lot of pressure on men to stay erect and erections are responsive to the energy exchange between us, to the connection, to your emotions and energy and my ‘inner state.’’
The more connected men and women are with their emotions and bodies, the less the chance for pain in the first place and the better the sex. Pain, in most cases, is an indicator of lack of connection with ourselves, hiding how we feel (lack if emotional vulnerability and lack of trust).
Milena Dishovska (aka Milena Devi).
Creator of Inexplicable Relationship and Life Academy
Tantra educator
Sex and relationship coach and therapist
Female sexual empowerment therapist and coach
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